This is an ode to the great James Delingpole, who was an inspiration for this article. Mr. Delingpole very wittily and knowingly stated that: “1. Liberals have no sense of humor. 2. Liberals have no facts on their side. 3. Liberals are hypocrites. 4. God, being a conservative himself, hates liberalism at least as much as you do, which is why he created reasons 1, 2, and 3.” As you can see, we have good reason to be inspired by the words of Mr. Delingpole, for he understood liberalism for what it is – a mental disease – and we will enjoy poking fun at liberals because liberals hate jokes. They hate clever quotes that illustrate how silly their beliefs are. Facts are to a liberal as garlic is to a vampire, and we are going to learn how to employ these wonderful things against liberals in the course of this brief article, and we will come back again later to find out other ways to employ these things. But the biggest takeaway from this is: “Every day is a good day to annoy a liberal. Don’t put it off until tomorrow. Get started today.” Write out on index cards “I will annoy liberals every day” and then put those index cards in prominent places in your home, in your car, and in your office. I suggest also placing them on your bathroom mirror to see when you’re shaving and preparing for work – yes, work, something liberals know nothing of, and on the visor of your car so that when you get in your car and you’re sitting in traffic on the way to work – another thing liberals know naught of – you can see it. You can also put them in your office on your computer monitor or at your work station, wherever it is that you’ll see it while you’re at the place where you spend 6 months of your life just paying the government so that liberals can sit at home in their beanbag chairs playing World of War Craft and eating Cheetos while writing on their blog for the Daily Kos.
Whenever we speak to liberals we must control the language. Always, always refer to the chairman as just that rather than “chair” or “chairperson” or “chairwoman”. Refer to firemen as just that rather than “firefighter”. Refer to policemen as just that rather than “policeperson”. Conservative women are rather robust and sensible, and they don’t worry about PC language and the nonsense that’s built into it. However, when trying to give offense, “actress” is perfectly acceptable since liberal actresses who take themselves seriously much prefer the term “actor” but unless they possess a set of hang-down jingle janglers they are not an actor, they are an actress. We have not become a unisex society at this time. We still have male and female gender roles and no one can take that away from us. Life’s tough; get a helmet. With winter fast approaching, it is always a great day to remind people that it’s cold outside and deploy your global warming fun. Remind every liberal you see at every opportunity: “Brrr, it’s cold. Makes you think we could do with a little bit more of that damned global warming, don’t you think?” Poke ‘em hard in the ribs to emphasize how funny you are. Otherwise, there’s a danger that they just might not get it. Liberals are kind of slow and might not realize it’s a joke.
On a day when it’s kind of slow and you don’t have much to do, or it’s lunchtime and your office is near a mosque, don’t hesitate to swing by there with a pulled pork sandwich and a bottle of Coke or Pepsi. When you go in and you’re approached by someone with a beard who seems disturbed to have you there, say: “Hey, look, I know you guys love death more than you love this stuff, but have a bite and a sip. You might change your mind.” Yes, you’re going to be asked to leave. Yes, you might be called an Islamophobe. Remind them that there’s no such thing as an Islamophobe if Muslims really want to kill you and that since the Koran says that you must convert, become a slave, or die, you can’t be phobic about that. It is what it is. Ask them if maybe because they won’t taste the lovely flesh of the pig and have a sip of your Pepsi or Coke that maybe, just maybe, they’re Christianphobes.
In the conservative war chest against liberal arrogance and general disgustingness, there is a daisy-cutter bomb that we can drop and create mass destruction at any time. It is completely devastating and unanswerable because it’s true. Hitler was a national socialist. This means liberals who are socialists in all but name are Nazis, including admitted socialists and progressives like Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Should they question this – and they will – refer them to Jonah Goldberg’s great novel “Liberal Fascism”. Mr. Goldberg explains in that novel the red in the Nazi flag represents communism. The person largely responsible for the common misconception that Nazi-ism was a movement of the political right was Joseph Stalin, who wanted to hide the embarrassing truth of just how close it was to soviet communism. The Nazis were no bigger on free enterprise and liberty than the Obama administration is, so do not let the admitted and avowed socialists in this election cycle get away with their bullshit. Deploy your daisy-cutter weapon of mass destruction and lay waste to anyone who says that they are going to vote for one of these socialist progressive Marxists and do the Reductioad Hitleran to them. You may have to explain once again that it is the red and the Nazi flag that represents the communism and, as I said, refer them back to Jonah’s great book called “Liberal Fascism”. It is a tremendous read and if you as a conservative have not read it, please do.
Q: How do you know if a liberal is lying? A: Their lips are moving.
Start a rumor: This can be a lot of fun. Post it on your blog. Post it on someone else’s blog. Don’t use your name. Use another name. Use Pat Groin or Pete Moss. Use a made-up name. It doesn’t matter. Have fun with it. Use DeVigorous Lover, Wide Receiver, NFL. For example, use the one from “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy” by Dr. Delingpole that says “Ingrid Newkirk, Founder of the Animal Rights Extremist Group PETA, wasn’t just blowing off empty rhetoric when she said: “When it comes to feelings, a rat is a dog is a pig is a boy.” Her ecofriendly home is powered entirely by her family of adopted pygmy children whom she rescued from the war-torn Congo. In return for her generous hospitality, each child spends no more than 5 hours a day in her basement fun running on a giant hamster-style wheel that powers her turbine generator. It used to be 8 hours but she found that on a compulsory vegetarian diet the kids tended to flake out from exhaustion. As you can see, these types of rumors can be quite fun. Remember, just type “it is rumored”. The great Hunter S. Thompson took down Senator Muskie during the 1972 presidential campaign by starting rumors saying “It is rumored that Muskie is in the depths of an Ibogaine addiction.” When he added these to his articles from the Rolling Stone while on the campaign trail covering the ’72 primaries, they took root and started to be picked up by the mainstream media. It caused Muskie to have to step out of the campaign because he took such a flogging. When Hunter S. Thompson was asked about it by Robert Frost on his talk show and Frost confronted him, saying, “As near as I can tell from my investigation you’re the one that started these rumors.” Hunter replied, “Well, each article did say ‘rumor has it Senator Muskie is addicted to Ibogaine. I just didn’t say I was the one who started the rumor.” So, go ahead, start the rumors; have fun.
Join a liberal reading group. You can find them on Craigslist, you can find them at your local Barnes and Noble brick-and-mortar bookstore – join one. When it’s your turn to suggest a book, propose as your first book choice “The Bell Curve” by Richard J. Herrnstein and Charles Murray, you will melt minds. Remember to quote the great G. Gordon Liddy often. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. Constantly around the liberals you work with and live around, refer to the “liberal psychopathology”, which implies that liberalism is a form of mental illness.
Constantly when debating politics with liberals quote their hero, Karl Marx: “There is only one way to kill capitalism – by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.” And quote the great free marketer Claude Frederic Bastiat, who said: “Each of us has a natural right from God to defend his person, his liberty, and his property.” And as long as we’re talking about language and quotes, remember: Do not use the term “MSM” anymore. We no longer talk about the mainstream media. We talk about the “OLM”, the old left media. Because, well, that’s what they are.
Now we’re going back to another reason why liberals, socialists, and Hitler are the same. Liberals tend to be the antismoking fanatics. Conservatives and libertarians, on the other hand, tend to believe it’s your body, it’s your right. You say to the antismoking fanatics: “Hey, I understand. You and Adolf Hitler both hated smoking. He called it ‘the wrath of the white man against the red man’, vengeance for having been given hard liquor. The Nazis were among the first to ban smoking in public places, including trams, buses, and trains, and on Nazi party premises, just like modern-day California.” So, just remember, you have nuclear bombs in your pocket to drop, and here’s another daisy-cutter: Remind your liberal friends who want you to pay more taxes, your liberal friends who allege that they’re charitable and kind and out for the greater good of society, remind them of the statistic that if liberals donated as much blood as conservatives America’s blood supply would increase by 45%. Conservatives literally are the lifeblood of America, while liberals in the main are a drain. You don’t always see liberals at work, but I have been places where you see the visualized world peace stickers and I’m the guy who has covered them up with the visualized whirled pea’s stickers in the parking lot and then waited to see how many months went by before someone noticed.
We shall be back for more of these as the election comes closer; Because, let’s face it, there is much more to talk about, many, many more daisy-cutter bombs to unleash, and many more liberal fanaticisms to talk about, but I will leave you with one last wit and witticism to share with your liberal friends when you’re around the watercooler at work:
Q: What’s the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
God Bless you, and God Bless America. Join the General as we take back America.
@GenGSPatton – Rapscallion, Rogue, Nefarious Political Machine